Against the Grain.

There is an idea, that a lot of people hold to, that humans are born innocent and undefiled by the evils of the world. That all of the issues of society, religion, and government are a result not of anything inherent in people, but because of the choices individuals make. There is even a name for this idea, "Tabula Rasa," literally Latin for "Blank Slate."

Now, I have a degree in Mathematics. And one of the required courses for degrees in math at the bachelor's level is basic logic. This is not unique to any math course, but is required by them universally. The reason is simple, all mathematical proofs, the write ups mathematicians use to show their ideas, are in simple terms logical arguments applied to already established rules of mathematics.

As part of this training, you are introduced to the concept of biases. And there are a lot of them, the Wikipedia list of cognitive biases has over a hundred separate entries, in 6 distinct categories. They range from Social Biases like Ingroup Bias and The Bandwagon Effect, to Decision-Making Biases like Status Quo Bias, and The Sunk Cost Fallacy, as well as Information Processing Biases like Anchoring Bias or Loss Aversion. Because of these, I have not yet met a trained mathematician that holds to the idea of "Tabula Rasa," as the fact that everyone has more than a few of these shows that they cannot be trained in, and must be a part of us at our core.

But for me, like a lot of people who study logic, the strongest seems to be Confirmation Bias. This is the well observed tendency of people to notice evidence that supports a belief that they already have, and ignore evidence that goes against it. And everyone does this, from racists talking about how all 'blacks' are the same even when shown people like Neil DeGrasse Tyson, to common folk talking about how Democracy is the best form of government when statistically speaking its has the highest rate of bribery and corruption and the governmental system with the lowest percentage is Feudalism, to scientists ignoring or discounting research that goes against their theories like Michael Behe during his testimony at the Kitzmiller vs Dover trial saying that the stack of scientific papers showing that his opinion on the immune system in sea going animals was not 'Irreducibly Complex' that was almost as high as the witness stand was 'not sufficient for me.'

Now, if you have read through this blog, or skimmed any of my posts on any of my Reddit accounts, or looked at my Facebook Reels, or encountered any of the things I have said or posted over the years, you might think that I believe my self immune to Confirmation Bias.

You would be wrong.

You would be very, very wrong.

I am not immune. In many ways I am one of perhaps the worst victims of Confirmation Bias. 

But you see one of my most firmly held beliefs is that people in large groups act like the most base animals imaginable, and that the only beliefs worth having are beliefs that you have pounded out with the hammer of logic on the anvil of truth.

There is a scene in the movie 'Men in Black," that is often circulated in clips on the internet that states this idea clearly. A scene where Will Smith's character, Edward, has just discovered the hidden world behind the world, and as he is sitting on a park bench with Tommy Lee Jones' character, Kay, he asks, "why the cover up? People are smart, they can handle it." And Jay responds with, "A person is smart, people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it. 1500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the Universe, 500 years ago everybody knew the Earth was flat, and 15 minutes ago you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you will know tomorrow."

This dialogue shocked a lot of movie-goers, because it called into question their own, firmly held beliefs. I was not surprised by the message, though I immediately loved the wording.

I am also a victim of this from others. If you were to meet me on the street, you would probably think that I choose to be dirty, lazy, and callous. But that's not the issue at all.

I have several 'hidden disabilities,' starting with a heart condition called atrial fibrillation. This is were the heart has a nerve that fires in an almost random pattern, and can causes it to quiver rather than beat. When someone like me has an episode, they can get light headed, and pass out while standing. I wasn't diagnosed until I passed out one day while talking on the phone at the office. When they rushed me to the hospital and put the monitor on, the episode, that the doctor said at the time would likely last for a few minutes at most continued on for almost 3 hours, uninterrupted. And when they put a small, portable monitor on my chest to track it, a common diagnostic tool for this, they said most people have an episode once or twice a week. Mine were occurring every 15 to 20 minutes. My doctor was shocked that I had lived into my 40s without anyone noticing.

I'm nearsighted, but I don't wear glasses. This is because my visual cortex misfires, and sharp, well defined images cause me headaches in seconds. I can't stand to watch TV or Movies for long periods, because it hurts.

Most people have cartilage that forms smooth, regular sheets. Mine forms ridges and grooves. This may sound minor, but the ball joints in your hips, shoulders, and jaw rely on that smoothness. Walking is painful. For years, my mother was convinced that I was willfully disobeying her by chewing with my mouth open, something I denied every time. It wasn't until late teens when she sat me down and forced me to eat in front of her, stating that she would slap me when I started 'acting out' that she was forced to realize that I was telling the truth. My own mother would not consider that I was anything but willful until confronted by visible, undeniable proof of what I had said for years. And only after that was I taken to a doctor about it.

I sweat profusely, and it has a natural odor that is undeniably bad. But if I wash or shower, it gets worse, not better, because the chemical breaks down over time, and the odor fades. So I am forced to walk this fine line, where I hate being wet and sweaty, but I know that if I shower daily, the complaints go up, not down. 

I have a condition involving serotonin re-uptake, a condition that nearly 5% of the population have, where because of it I have difficulty forming long term relationships. I want to have friends, but trying to form connections for me if not easy, but effort. And when I do reach out to people who I have not seen in a while, they either leave me on read, or tell me that they are not interested in talking to me long distance. I try to be caring, but it can be difficult.

And these are just the most obvious things, I could go on for pages.

I don't post these rants, and diatribes because I hate people. Not really. 

I post them because I am desperate for someone, anyone, to find a single flaw in the logic that crushes my mind and spirit every single day. Someone to actually show me something, anything, to make getting up in the morning a pleasure, and not a burden.

I just want a little hope... but no one seems to have any to spare.